21 Days in Jakarta- "Trailing Spouse"

NICK  THE TRAILING SPOUSE" not a new term but here a little different?

As a child my grandmother would tell me stories of her family from her youth growing up in far flung places, Egypt, Ascension Island , Mauritius , and India. Curated in her modest flat in Twickenham, London , were many small mementos of another world and life. Some stand out the Egyptian leather poof, an ornate coffee table, a box made of ebony and porcupine quills, and the all important folding green baize card table. Around the much travelled card table grandma would have the "girls" round to play Bridge or Rummy and with the help of cucumber sandwich finger rolls, and silver pots of tea served in bone china cups another world would be conjured up.

The Expat world of the pre-war British Empire, populated with a cosmopolitan and stratified social class system. "Memsahibs" and daughters who ran their households and the tight-nit communities no doubt planning and helping the world move while sat round the Baize card tables. The "Girls" organised servants, parties, Balls , Bazaars, trips out, charity work , going to Church and sporting activities. To play cards, ride horses, swim, and play tennis were social necessities. Ones status would be linked to your Father or Husband, who lived in another world of work who might have the accolade of a "good sport" and a nickname like , "Chalky White" or "Bunny Rogers" .

At some point an expression "trailing spouse" came into  use in the "expat" community, it means your partner has the main job and the "trailing spouse" has followed. In the "girls" world there were men and women there was know need for such an expression it was obvious who was who and there role.
After our first week in Countrywoods residence everything changed. Up to this point couples had been going to a carefully organised induction course. Lectures, visits to Malls, Lunches and ending in a whole school BBQ poolside party at Countrywoods residence. The spouses employed by the School went off to work leaving their "trailing spouses" back at home wondering how to fill there days? Well its easy join the "girls" clubs, except most of the "trailing spouses" are men! Certainly this element of Expat life would be unrecognisable to my grandmother and I feel a bit like I've landed in a parallel universe.

So what have I been up to? Well hanging out with the "guys", the old hands have taken me to various Malls we have had Lunch , Coffee, shopping for bargains. Talking about planning holidays and what we did when we had jobs. Also where to get your haircut and look after our women. Playing sport and keeping fit is a popular option. I've done a load of swimming and running, but we also have Tennis a Squash available. One of the "Guy" is teaching me Tennis and dropped me off at his barbers (more o this later). The "staff" our driver Bam Bang (yes that's his real name) and Household Helper Wati (I'm avoiding the term "Maid" but that's a well understood title here) are very helpful and perhaps a luxury? We are not allowed to drive till we get an Indonesian licence and the traffic and complexity of Jakarta makes Bam Bang essential. Wati is a luxury but going shopping in the Local market would not be possible without her and her cooking of Indonesian cuisine is a real treat (Though a little hot and spicy)

Of course as a "trailing spouse" I am working on finding stuff out. I've met with the "girls"at the British Womens Association and the Australian New Zealand Association. Also busily following up volunteering opportunities and met the Anglican Vicar. Liz is also doing what people do at work (make friends and network) she has arranged for our 1st long weekend for us to go away with colleagues to Bandung to get into the countryside.

21 Days is time for the rights of passage ,with  a local barber. Dave who dropped me off had the coolest haircut and a scooter so riding on the back was fun. Though when he said I'd have to find my own way home it suddenly became more of a mission. The Barbers was called "Pilots" and was a themed place made to look like an airline, with proper airline walls and porthole windows. The seats were from an airline and the barbers chairs were like cockpit captain chairs. Using google translate I said "pendek pada sisi" which means short on the sides. The young man cutting my hair had a airline captain hat on and ignoring my perfect Indonesian smiled and presented me with a folder full of celebrities photo to pick a hairstyle. It was feeling a little surreal now and a touch comic camp. I choose David Beckham as at least he had short hair. Well a whole hour later we were finished, endless careful snipping and clipping, including ears, nose and eyebrows. Then a hair wash and  a completely unwanted shave with a cut throat razer finished off with a head, face and shoulders massage. This was all for the princely sum of 50,000 IDR or £3! Oh and I could have had more they seemed to offer Reflexology and massage ? All I had to do now was walk out of the air conditioning into the midday heat and walk twenty minutes home following google maps as I was lost. The alternative was to hail a scouter taxi but I choose the "mad dogs and Englishmen" approach of walking. You an only have so much excitement in one day

Gap years are not just for Youth

Well this is "first time trying", doing a blog...
Many years ago, when I was a youth I had a "Gap Year", but "back in the day" we did not call it  a "Gap Year" year but having a UB40 or being unemployed in Thatchers Britain. A common experience for many at that time and a surprise to those of us that had finished higher education at University or in my case Polytechnic.  Oh and incidentally "back in the day" in England, United Kingdom, or Great Britain we never used the the expression "back in the day"? When we talked about the past we might have used quaint expressions like, "in the past ..." or "in the olden days", or "in my youth".

One great lesson from my Gap Year, encapsulated by my friend Gurmel Singh was "first time trying"?
 I was a volunteer English Teacher and Gurmel had recently arrived in Newham in London from the Punjab through an arranged marriage to Karmel. Karmel was a born and bread Punjabi Londoner, from Peckham. We were all the same age, except the Singhs already had two children and I was single, house sharing with my brother rock band. After a couple of hours struggling to communicate and teach Gurmel English, we would adjourn to the family living room, to play and be climbed on by the children to amazing smells coming from the kitchen. Vast quantities of food would emerge, saying no or only a small portion was not an option. With each dish Gurmel would ask, "first time trying"? This was as much an encouragement to try different food as an enquiry if I liked the food and could be applied to other experiences. For example Gurmel would report that he had , "First time trying" been on a London Double Decker bus or first time trying going out and speaking English on his own....

For Gurmel there was a great temptation to stay within his community and rely on his wife and eventually his children to communicate in English. I think at that time (or should I say "back in the day") it was more common for Indians, Pakistanis and Bangladeshis to have arranged marriages with wives immigrating to join them, who then stayed in a "bubble" of the home and their ethnic community with little need or opportunity to learn English.

Fast Forward @ 35 years, and its the start of my 2nd "Gap Year(s)"...
In these  35 years I have met my amazing wife Liz and had three children,who have grown up and left home. So Liz and I left home, firstly moving to Cairo in Egypt to work in an international school. Liz as Learning support manager and me as Primary Librarian. Even though I was fully employed, it felt like a gap year as for the first time in my working life I had full school holidays, Yeah!!!
Arriving in Jakarta really is the start of a "Gap Year (s)", on my Birthday this week I will cease to be employed by my Cairo job. I will have a new status, though I'm not sure what description fits most comfortably. Unemployed? Retired? Trailing spouse? Between Jobs? Career transition? Lifestyle change?
At one of the welcoming events organised by the school that Liz is employed by someone assumed I must be retired. Its one of those moments like being mistaken that I was my daughters grandfather (I have grey hair), that causes a jolt. So for now my approach is one of being open and searching out new experiences, or as they said "Back in the day" of the first Star Trek series I watched on our first colour TV, "To explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and New civilisations,to boldly go where no man has gone before. Or to put it another way:
"First time trying" my 2nd Gap Year